Birthday Breakdown

Have you ever went to bed feeling absolutely positive about something then had one crappy day and change your whole perspective? I just did!

I went to bed Friday night thinking there was no was I was going back to Sacramento. There are no jobs available, I end up wasting my nights drinking with strangers, and wake up every morning hung over in an endless cycle of misery. Why would I want to go back?

Well through the magic of Toronto I spent my Saturday feeling worthless and lazy and now I have decided Sacramento is where I need to be.Should I elaborate? Probably not. But I went to the park where there was suppose to be a random photo shoot day. In my head it was going to be a bunch of friends meeting up, hanging out, and some people taking pictures. Easy enough. What it ended up being was my boyfriend and his friend dressed up nice, holding hands, and running around the park while everyone told them how pretty they looked and your pal Shalome sitting alone on a hill (how appropriate) looking like a boy with gas.

I know what you are thinking, it’s that old jealousy monster sticking it’s nose into my life, and maybe you are correct. But I see things differently. I see it as not having a purpose here. There was no need for me to be in the park yesterday and so far I have not found a point to stay in Toronto. It is hard enough getting into school and/or finding a job. Now I have a bf that’s easily entertained by others, friends that I never see, and any future hopes I had (marriage, family, pink house with pony farm) squashed.

There is also my Sacramento family.Turning another year older makes you reflect on the important things. I miss my brothers bringing me food and mowing my lawn when I am hung over. I miss thrift store shopping with Matt, Target shopping with Amanda, and porch holding down with Janell. I miss people who enjoy a simple back yard BBQ.

I am not sure exactly what it is I want. I do know I am almost 30 and that is an age where people start “getting shit done”. So if anyone has any important life lessons please share.

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One Response to “Birthday Breakdown”

  1. chrissy Says:

    i understand completely.

    sometimes ‘getting shit done’ takes different forms for different people and works within different time frames.

    in your case, i think ‘getting shit done’ means figuring out what you want, how you want it, and where it will be, and that means trying different situations out until you find a fit and learn from your experiences. the point is you want something different or a change and probably the most important thing is realizing that and then thinking critically and clearly what that is for you.

    myself for example:
    sacramento
    prague
    sacramento
    san francisco
    sacramento
    san francisco
    prague
    ?

    see, it ain’t easy.
    i remember the first time i moved to SF and that dude from canadian parliament, something van der mei, coincidentally lived in the same building as i, and i told him how i just moved to SF and i was getting ready to move back to sacramento all within a week. we got onto this topic of location and it’s influence and we came to the conclusion ‘wherever you go, there you are’.

    ya, i know it sounds kind of minimalist and zen, like ‘what is the sound of one hand clapping’. etc. etc., but there is some truth to it.

    don’t discount your desire to try out other things and places; you have those desires for a reason.

    but

    don’t expect location to completely change everything in your life. sure, it can make for a strong influence and definitely it can be a deciding factor, it can be prohibitive or distracting or great and right for you and is subject to your own circumstances.

    next time when we’re holding down the porch, i’ll put on my special hot pink jogging shorts for you.

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