How to enjoy football

I am a football fan. I don’t know all the rules and I can only tell you the names of three of the players on my favorite team (Hines Ward, Ben Roethlisberger, and Troy Polamalu) and I can only pronounce one of their names properly. If you quiz me about the team I can tell you the color of their uniforms and then I am lost. But I am a fan of football. To me being a fan of a game has different rules then knowing the game. I recently went to a CFL game and instantly got into football mode. Here are my short but sweet rules to becoming a fan of football.


Rule 1: Choose a team. No matter what game you are watching you have to choose one side to cheer for. Just watching a game is boring. In this particular game I chose the Tiger-Cats because their name is cute, I like the team colors, and I am all for steel towns.(At this very moment I am watching the NY Jets play the Houston Texans. I hate Texas but I REALLY hate NY so I want the Texans to win. If they don’t I won’t cry but it makes this game bearable to watch). Once you pick a team to win you will notice yourself rooting for them more and more. It is like being American. I don’t go around telling people I am or being particularly proud of it but once someone non-American starts talking about my country you KNOW I am up in their face with a switchblade saying “Take that back nigga!!!”

Rule 2: Hate the other team. You cannot just want your team to win, you must hate the other team. You have to dislike everything about them and even create this hateful persona for their fans. For example, I did not want the Toronto Argonauts to win so I started to dislike them. Their uniform colors are lame (only a jerk would wear baby blue in public), their cheerleaders looked like men, and their fans are losers who know nothing about football and what it takes to be a true Canadian!!


In fact everything I hate about Canadians I blamed on the Argonauts and their fans. The Argonauts are inefficient workers, they are too lazy to pick up garbage,they hate actual work, they wear cheap cologne and go clubbing, have herpes, are classists, racists, and date rapers who really wanna be Americans and can’t cook tacos. I decided all this in the few minutes I chose to go for the opposing team.Ryan joined me at this game and rooted for the Argo’s, and for 3 hours he was a douche.

Rule 3: Beer. You must drink beer. Beer gives you energy and motivation to yell at the players, to cheer loudly, and high five strangers. Beer is also a shoulder to cry on. Beer understands and agrees that the other team OBVIOUSLY cheated.

And those are things you need to enjoy football. The most important thing you need is heart. You need to have the heart to love your team so much that you are willing to hate EVERYONE on the other side without hearing them out or trying to be civilized. You must call their children ugly no matter how cute they are, call their women manly, and call their men girlie.

Blind hate, that’s American, that’s true football.


One Response to “How to enjoy football”

  1. Owl Pellets for September 9th through September 16th | The Grumpy Owl Says:

    […] How to enjoy football « Jankypanky – After taking me to see rthe Argos beat the TiCats, Shalome explains how to enjoy a football game. She also explains why she supported the losing team. […]

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